Life Changes

This is my first post to this blog in a very long time , I’m hoping to spend more time here unfortunately now I have the time to spare.

There are many days in a person’s life that is celebrated , holidays and birthdays , events that means something not only to the individual but their family and their life. I will impart to you now the events that have changed and shaped my life to bring me back here. I will be leaving out some details because frankly, I don’t know who you are, you could be somebody who follows my posts a close friend or relative or just some stranger that was rambling the internet and fell upon my page. I ask that you limit your comments because this really isn’t for comment, this is me expressing myself.

I have always felt that my favorite days were my wife’s birthday the day she was born to very important day for me because I love her and she’s everything to me other days that I thought were important what are the birthdays of my children the national holidays such as Christmas always a fun time of year and any day that brings the family together. However now I add to this January 28th, January 28th is now one of the most important days of my life.

On January 28th of 2016 I came home from work a few days prior my wife had announced that there was a problem and she made an accusation that was unfounded of course but the fact that she made this accusation hurt me quite a bit now three days later on January 28th I came home and my whole life exploded my wife after trying to have a conversation with her became enraged things became physical I wound up having to leave the house. I left the house assisted by the local constabulary , I spent the night in jail but when I got out my wife had made it so I couldn’t come home. No again just to point out I did not touch my wife she agrees to that I did not lay a hand on her just the opposite I in my infinite stupidity thought that I could talk to my wife about this and I enraged her to the point where she physically struck me something that I never imagine what would happen.

So now my wife and I are separated, not divorced just separated. The first month I went the whole 4 weeks feeling completely sorry for myself eliciting sympathy from Facebook friends trying to cry out to the world that I was innocent I didn’t do anything wrong, in fact that became very good at being a crybaby cuz that’s all I could do cry, cry to myself, cry the world, wah wah wah,

Then I had an epiphany a realization a glorious moment where the hand of God came down and slapped me in the face. I started looking at things through what I believe to be my wife’s perspective the whole 13 years of our marriage our life our love raising children together facing life’s problems together and I realize I was wanting I did not tell her and show her what I should have said yes I told her I loved her and she was beautiful and she meant everything in the world to me all the romance but none of the substance. I never took time to show her that I respected her that I valued her opinion that what she did was important oh yes I said oh well you’re doing stuff with the house you’re taking care of the kids that’s a job too but after a while it was all just words that’s all I had was words no meaning no depth no reference nothing to support our relationship so in this accusation came she had no trust for me and I don’t blame her in her words I had everything I wanted and I f***** it up one thing at a time and that beautiful intelligent woman was 100% right.

So now this second month after that I found I contracted a bacterial infection very fatal one so I am taking a complete Pharmacy of drugs now and I am hooked up to an IV everyday of an antibiotic and Drug syrup that will hopefully keep me alive. I’ve had to have 3 bones removed from my right foot and now I’m looking at surgery to remove some bone fragments from my back that has become infected. Yet unlike I think some people that would look at this I’ve actually come to terms with my mortality I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may die but the thought of living whatever time I have left without my wife scares me incredibly without her without my children it’s cold and terrifying to think that I would not be able to look upon her and see Love In Her Eyes again. No this is not a sad ending so to speak but possibly a new beginning of the relationship the marriage everything we had will never be the same but hopefully she will give me another chance and It could be something better something that should have been something it could be.

As far as my illness goes the doctor says I will do very well as long as I follow orders. My wife has started talking to me again short Kurt and sometimes cold conversations but like I said I can’t blame her she trusted me she put her faith in me she put her life in my hands and even though I tried to make every promise every dream come true I failed and I betrayed her. You see because I have found that when you make a promise and that promise doesn’t come true not because you broke the promise Percy but because you promised beyond your means and you promised beyond your ability that promise becomes a lie, so imagine every promise a husband makes to his wife over the course of 13 years turning out to be a lie, they start to question the words I love you is that a lie, you’re beautiful is that a lie, I have faith in you is that a lie, good morning is that a lie, everything becomes a lie.

So now I said in the cold on a porch of my sister’s house my wife and my children are across town in our home I’ve been paying the bills and paying the rent putting money aside for her keeping to my promise and my vows of marriage I love her dearly I want her back I want her to take me back in this situation I realize that it is my fault and yes we’re both to blame for certain things goodness I have to take responsibility for everything I have to accept the fact that I am not perfect yes I thought I was perfect I thought I was the perfect husband I saw the perfect father I thought I was the perfect lover and I’ve been corrected buy a woman you could have just said goodbye so many times over the past 13 years it now boggles my mind. I look at her asking for a second chance when she’s given me at least 13 chances so far. One chance for every year at least a hundred for every lie.

Excuse the grammatical errors I’m dictating this into my phone I’m not writing it out I’m doing spell check the best I can but I’m dictating this because I feel that it’s important that this comes out true when you write things down you can edit them you can correct them you can phrase them differently you can make it sound very succinct. And this is an honest and open life post, no editing allowed.

My wife often says ” you always say the right thing ”  I used to think that that was a compliment, no, no it’s not… it means that I have got to a point where I know exactly what to say to quell someone’s fear I know exactly what to say to get somebody to believe me and trust me even though I may not deserve it at the time. I’m never going to use the word promise again that word has too much power and I can’t control it I’m not going to put things off anymore because I found that tomorrow is not promised.

Yes this illness could readily take my life any day I could be dead tomorrow, I can be dead this evening, it is that bad. However like I said it’s nothing compared to being without my wife my darling beautiful trusting wife who I took advantage of who I disrespected whom I never really loved the way I should have.

So in closing I would like to admit that I am a liar I am the worst possible liar there could ever be. I am a liar that doesn’t know he’s lying. I am a liar that believes his own lies. all because of a simple word with more power than it should have. The word promise is a very powerful word and so many people use it the wrong way including myself.

Posted from WordPress for Android.. yeah, I’m high tech like that.