When Life & Love Separate


One year and eight months ago, all I believed in, the fairytale romance, the idea of true love and happily ever after ceased to exist.

As a man, many would not think that we long not just to save the damsel in distress, but that she would in turn save us, from the Dragon named Loneliness,  from the oppression of rejection or even just ourselves. A hope that we could be happy being not The Lord of the manor but being the one to support and provide in unconditional love.

We have dreams too, many dreams that are all too often never to come true.

For me, that dream came true, for 13 years a bliss above bliss, but then it fell and crashed upon the ground, like Icarus, I flew too high towards the sun, the warmth and the light drew me, like a moth, but the wings came apart, and…. it was done.

I do not look for pitty, nor absolution,  I stopped looking for answer, stopped asking why. I just hope and pray and keep praying. I hope to somday greet my love at my door, telling me she wants to come home, with our children in tow, the bright eyed angels I was graced to love as a father does, and as I always will.

My tears never dry, but I am well with that, but I long to kiss her cheek, wish her pleasent dreams and to hold her as she sleeps, in my arms, protecting me from the monsters in the darkness.

Today


image

Today is not like any other day. I find myself wondering about things in my life things I have done and that I have not done.

Again this may seem like an old man’s ramblings,  but today is not like any other day. What brings me to this point , that is one of the questions I see. In my life I have done some great things, yet the things but I feel my greatest accomplishments are considered everyday tasks.

I would say my greatest achievement is being a husband to a wonderful woman and being a father to five children. Yet, the same achievement could also be one of my greatest failures.

My wife and I are separated, growing distant everyday. My oldest son ignores my existence, my second oldest in prison, mentally unstable, my third son, my step son doesn’t want anything to do with me, my two beautiful daughters fear me.

How can things that started so well come to this, that I do have an answer…

Vanity, I believed I was perfect and I knew it all, I did not honor my wife and did not respect her opinion,  I imposed my will and tried to mold the kids into a television sitcom family, where the troubles of the world are solved in 22 minutes,  30 if you count the comercials.

It seems I worked myself into that painted corner where the pain will not dry. Trapped in the color of my delusional perfection.

I hope tomorro can be a brighter color than cloudy grey.

Evermore


A Love Sonnet to my Wife

 

I look up

Into your eyes

As you lay there watching me

I see a young woman with a fire and thirst

A look of desire that holds me where I am

Wanting more

Giving all that you have

To me

 

Take my hand and walk with me

To the place in your heart

Deep and pounding

My want for you grows

Every day you wake next to me I know that I am thankful

But what of you?

Do I give you what you desire?

 

I tend to you

I attend to your garden

Placing what I have in hope that you desire to see it blossom

My love for you in all ways is what I have come to know and need

I trust in my feelings

I feel the need to be with you and deep inside you and your heart

 

I raise you up upon the altar of my affections

And I worship you and praise you

I am a fool for what I have done

I have committed myself to slavery, but Slave to you and your passions

Not the worst crime

The worst crime would be to waste you, to let you go unloved

 

The sweet waters of your pleasure enliven me

Fulfill me and feed me

I live off of you, in a symbiotic relation

Though sometimes you may feel like I am a parasite, draining you of life

That may be, but I cannot resist, you sustain me

 

I know why I love you……………because I do

And that is all I need to know

I may not be the best man, of the man of your dreams

But know this

You are my fantasy, my dream, my goddess

I see you in my mind, my life and in all things

The center of my soul, is you

 

I take you, and feel you beneath me, holding me

Sometimes it seems that you push me away, but only to let me fall deeper into you

To drink of you and live again

Your touch makes me gasp

Do I deserve you… do I have the right to be with you?

Yes, yes I say because you are mine

All that I have done before this was to ready me for you

 

Oh you, so young and innocent

My Lolita, my seductress

You have seduced me by not seducing

By not tricking or deceiving

There was no hunt

And to my prey I have fallen

I wish to devour one who is so sweet

 

You have live many lifetimes

Yet you are as a precious gem, ever shining

A flower, single in the valley, not to be plucked

But gently deflowered

I would gather up those petals, only to place them back

 

I wish to proclaim to the world my victory in having you, yet share you with the world

As my singular treasure

A testament to my manhood

Yet

I do not own you; I merely am graced by you

 

Your heart begins a second beat

One for me

One for another

Which is stronger?

I would accept the weaker of the two, if I must

I was meant to be with you

I don’t know if you were meant

To be

With

Me

 

But I willingly accept the terms of your love

My love has no terms

No expiration

But an eternity of forever wanting

To be

With you

To attend you

To serve you

To be your lord and master

To be chained to your feet

 

To look up and know paradise

And see heaven in your eyes

Paradise in your soul

To hold you in my arms

Evermore

In Exile


 

So, come June 1st

I’ll have been 4 months in Exile

With only myself to speak with

Yes, my son is present

But, due to his youth

And his ways

And his self indulgence

His company is that

Of a Stone Wall

 

I miss my wife and little ones

I miss the days of ignorance and oblivious righteousness

I miss the days of “maybe tomorrow”

I do not miss the human race, the race was lost so long ago

Yet a medal never won

 

I am here, in the wastelands

Of loneliness

I await my salvation

The whisper from sweet lips

Of my young bride

To beckon

 

Come Home Love

Life Changes


This is my first post to this blog in a very long time , I’m hoping to spend more time here unfortunately now I have the time to spare.

image

There are many days in a person’s life that is celebrated , holidays and birthdays , events that means something not only to the individual but their family and their life. I will impart to you now the events that have changed and shaped my life to bring me back here. I will be leaving out some details because frankly, I don’t know who you are, you could be somebody who follows my posts a close friend or relative or just some stranger that was rambling the internet and fell upon my page. I ask that you limit your comments because this really isn’t for comment, this is me expressing myself.

image

I have always felt that my favorite days were my wife’s birthday the day she was born to very important day for me because I love her and she’s everything to me other days that I thought were important what are the birthdays of my children the national holidays such as Christmas always a fun time of year and any day that brings the family together. However now I add to this January 28th, January 28th is now one of the most important days of my life.

image

On January 28th of 2016 I came home from work a few days prior my wife had announced that there was a problem and she made an accusation that was unfounded of course but the fact that she made this accusation hurt me quite a bit now three days later on January 28th I came home and my whole life exploded my wife after trying to have a conversation with her became enraged things became physical I wound up having to leave the house. I left the house assisted by the local constabulary , I spent the night in jail but when I got out my wife had made it so I couldn’t come home. No again just to point out I did not touch my wife she agrees to that I did not lay a hand on her just the opposite I in my infinite stupidity thought that I could talk to my wife about this and I enraged her to the point where she physically struck me something that I never imagine what would happen.

So now my wife and I are separated, not divorced just separated. The first month I went the whole 4 weeks feeling completely sorry for myself eliciting sympathy from Facebook friends trying to cry out to the world that I was innocent I didn’t do anything wrong, in fact that became very good at being a crybaby cuz that’s all I could do cry, cry to myself, cry the world, wah wah wah,

Then I had an epiphany a realization a glorious moment where the hand of God came down and slapped me in the face. I started looking at things through what I believe to be my wife’s perspective the whole 13 years of our marriage our life our love raising children together facing life’s problems together and I realize I was wanting I did not tell her and show her what I should have said yes I told her I loved her and she was beautiful and she meant everything in the world to me all the romance but none of the substance. I never took time to show her that I respected her that I valued her opinion that what she did was important oh yes I said oh well you’re doing stuff with the house you’re taking care of the kids that’s a job too but after a while it was all just words that’s all I had was words no meaning no depth no reference nothing to support our relationship so in this accusation came she had no trust for me and I don’t blame her in her words I had everything I wanted and I f***** it up one thing at a time and that beautiful intelligent woman was 100% right.

So now this second month after that I found I contracted a bacterial infection very fatal one so I am taking a complete Pharmacy of drugs now and I am hooked up to an IV everyday of an antibiotic and Drug syrup that will hopefully keep me alive. I’ve had to have 3 bones removed from my right foot and now I’m looking at surgery to remove some bone fragments from my back that has become infected. Yet unlike I think some people that would look at this I’ve actually come to terms with my mortality I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may die but the thought of living whatever time I have left without my wife scares me incredibly without her without my children it’s cold and terrifying to think that I would not be able to look upon her and see Love In Her Eyes again. No this is not a sad ending so to speak but possibly a new beginning of the relationship the marriage everything we had will never be the same but hopefully she will give me another chance and It could be something better something that should have been something it could be.

As far as my illness goes the doctor says I will do very well as long as I follow orders. My wife has started talking to me again short Kurt and sometimes cold conversations but like I said I can’t blame her she trusted me she put her faith in me she put her life in my hands and even though I tried to make every promise every dream come true I failed and I betrayed her. You see because I have found that when you make a promise and that promise doesn’t come true not because you broke the promise Percy but because you promised beyond your means and you promised beyond your ability that promise becomes a lie, so imagine every promise a husband makes to his wife over the course of 13 years turning out to be a lie, they start to question the words I love you is that a lie, you’re beautiful is that a lie, I have faith in you is that a lie, good morning is that a lie, everything becomes a lie.

So now I said in the cold on a porch of my sister’s house my wife and my children are across town in our home I’ve been paying the bills and paying the rent putting money aside for her keeping to my promise and my vows of marriage I love her dearly I want her back I want her to take me back in this situation I realize that it is my fault and yes we’re both to blame for certain things goodness I have to take responsibility for everything I have to accept the fact that I am not perfect yes I thought I was perfect I thought I was the perfect husband I saw the perfect father I thought I was the perfect lover and I’ve been corrected buy a woman you could have just said goodbye so many times over the past 13 years it now boggles my mind. I look at her asking for a second chance when she’s given me at least 13 chances so far. One chance for every year at least a hundred for every lie.

Excuse the grammatical errors I’m dictating this into my phone I’m not writing it out I’m doing spell check the best I can but I’m dictating this because I feel that it’s important that this comes out true when you write things down you can edit them you can correct them you can phrase them differently you can make it sound very succinct. And this is an honest and open life post, no editing allowed.

My wife often says ” you always say the right thing ”  I used to think that that was a compliment, no, no it’s not… it means that I have got to a point where I know exactly what to say to quell someone’s fear I know exactly what to say to get somebody to believe me and trust me even though I may not deserve it at the time. I’m never going to use the word promise again that word has too much power and I can’t control it I’m not going to put things off anymore because I found that tomorrow is not promised.

Yes this illness could readily take my life any day I could be dead tomorrow, I can be dead this evening, it is that bad. However like I said it’s nothing compared to being without my wife my darling beautiful trusting wife who I took advantage of who I disrespected whom I never really loved the way I should have.

So in closing I would like to admit that I am a liar I am the worst possible liar there could ever be. I am a liar that doesn’t know he’s lying. I am a liar that believes his own lies. all because of a simple word with more power than it should have. The word promise is a very powerful word and so many people use it the wrong way including myself.

Posted from WordPress for Android.. yeah, I’m high tech like that.

Earliest Memory


What is your earliest memory?

My earliest memory, I was 3 years old. I was born in Brooklyn in 1965 so I would say that it was in 1968 that I became aware of my memory and is stuck with me ever since. When I tell people I can remember back to when I was 3 years old, most think that I’m imagining it but let me tell you what happened in detail and let me know what you think.

I was in the backyard of our house in Brooklyn riding my big wheel, not riding it very well considering I could never get from one end of the driveway to the other without falling off at least once, I heard my mother call my name and as a three-year-old can i nimbly got up and went to see what she wanted, I was hoping that it was ice cream or a cookie or something nice for me. My mother told me that the next door neighbor had a surprise for me, the next door neighbor was this kindly old Jewish woman I don’t remember her name but I remember I called her Nana it was like having a second grandmother. I remember that night I used to take care of me when my mom had to go to work and my dad was hard work himself my brothers and sisters all had junior high and high school and whatever they were going my little sister had not yet been born so I was the last child so I need a babysitter. But on this day I was home with my mom it was a Sunday it was after church and then I had a surprise for me so I quickly ran up to the front door where my mom was waiting on the porch with Nana.

Nana met me with a smile and open arms she would pinch my cheeks and call me “yassula”, I thought you called me that because it was like a nickname but I answer to it. Mana had just came back from a store where she bought me a little sailor’s outfit it was blue with white stripes a sailor’s cap little blue shorts white socks and white and blue shoes. My mom took me inside and got me dressed and then brought me outside with her and then I took pictures and cooed over me cuddle me hug me made me salute try to teach me a sailing song. It felt weird to have my mom and Nana treat me like I was a doll handing me back and forth to see who could rock me faster or who could make me laugh, I miss that.

About 4 months later my father had came home with my mom and announce to the family that they bought a new house in Long Beach about an hour and a half to two hours away from where we live now well at the time I should say, I remember the U Haul truck that they loaded everything onto and the ride to Long Beach I fell asleep and woke up several times and my mother’s lap. It wasn’t that far from my home in Brooklyn where my mom would still take me to go visit Nana from time to time then one day we stopped going and I asked when I was going to see Nana again someday

A few years later I found out that Nana had passed away, I also found out a few things that I didn’t know, I found out that Nana and her husband were survivors of the Holocaust where thousands of Jews had lost their lives just for being Jewish.

Nana and her husband survived but their only child, who had died about 3 or 4 had not he couldn’t survive the train ride he couldn’t survive the hell that they were put through and he died in his sleep, it broke Nana’s heart to lose him.

I found out his name, was Yassula, so my earliest memory was replacing the love of a lost child to a woman who had lost all hope and joy many years before, my mother knew of her pain and also knew that she was very sick so my mother make sure that I would be there for Nana. I would be there for Nana to give her any hope, any love, and any joy that would last her until the end of her time.

I miss Nana, I hope she misses me too, but I love her and I knew that she loved me.

Posted from WordPress for Android.. yeah, I’m high tech like that.

So far this year: an update


tweetmeme_style = ‘compact’; tweetmeme_source = ‘josepht1965’; tweetmeme_service = ‘bit.ly’;

 

Hello friend, it’s been a while since we had the time to talk and “chew the fat”, how have you been-Well, sit down and relax, I will tell you a story of my life, as it is, and what I have been doing for the past few months. I may sound a bit down, but life has its ups and downs and it is very cathartic to just let it all go. So, if you don’t mind, I will use this moment to do a bit of self-therapy.

This year, so far has been very exciting. I have been working very hard on several projects and things are going very well, so far. My day job, as it were, has been ok, but the hours have been dropped down, the company felt that, rather than lay people off, they just cut hours – having some work is better that not having a job. So I find myself writing more and doing the odd jobs around the house. I am going to be building a studio in my garage, for painting and working on some furniture projects I want to do, as well as organizing all of my stuff. It is amazing how one can collect so much stuff over the course of the years. Some of it is important and cannot be replaced, but I will admit – some is just pure junk I cannot seem to part with. I guess I am the “pack rat” my mother said I was.

I have been working on my writing and painting… well more writing than painting actually. I am getting more time to go out and writing on location, like café’s and public places, watching life stride by, and getting some photography work done, it’s not so bad having some time to write or just do something for myself. It gives me a chance to be more introspective, work on the “me-projects” that I don’t always get to complete.

I have been hired by Blog Critics (http://www.blogcritics.org) to write for them, their online news source is very popular and it gives me an opportunity to get my work seen by more people. My blog RantBabble (http://www.rantbabble.wordpress.com) has started getting some popular feedback and is getting more readers – I find that writing for 4 different web sites is allot of work but it is also many different outlets, so what may not work well for one site may be great for the other ones. I am going to the Paso Robles Wine Festival in May to do some review work for my food and wine columns and I may have a chance at getting some connections there to get material for my magazine Groove Studio One.

My Online Style and Entertainment Magazine, Groove Studio One is doing very well, the site http://www.yourgrooveonline is in “beta” and I am working out the bugs that come with web page design, but the blog side http://www.groovestudio1.blogspot.com is getting multiple hits per day, sometimes in the thousands, this gives me a way to get involved with writing about fashion, food, wine and style – one would not know it, looking at me, but I am very interested in the elements of personal style, and I like writing about it. I have been able to meet many interesting people and I was even invited to take my wife with me to be on an episode of Hell’s Kitchen with Gordon Ramsay.

My book “Rants and Ravings of a Modern Day Cave Dweller” was officially published this year on http://www.lulu.com, it is a self-publishing site, but they work like the normal publishers, you have to submit material, go through the process and if they like it, they publish your book and market it for you. I look forward to it doing well, the publisher said it was “unique” and had potential, so we will see what come of it.

I have put together a concept for a Television Show, and I am working with local cable TV and public access television to get it put together. I have not come up with a title yet, but it will be connected with my magazine, I will do live interviews, “news” style coverage of local events. I have asked my longtime friend David Jay to help me on this project, he is a producer and a very popular “on air” personality in local radio. I have so great friends who are willing to help me achieve my goals, get some friends, I know you’ll like it.

I have made the acquaintance of a very famous artist, John Landon who lives here in the Central Coast; he has worldwide appreciation of his work and he said he thought my paintings were good, so I take the compliments where I can, and if he likes my painting, well I guess that means it is worth looking at. I also met another very talented artist, Neal Breton, whom owns San Luis Art Supply in San Luis Obispo; he is both a business owner and an artist, so he never gets to sleep, but there is hope.

The wife and kids are fine, my wife has been working on her stitchery and has a shop on Etsy, where she has been growing in popularity and making sales. My littlest one, Vera, was recently in a musical pageant where she sang in the final act; I don’t know who was more excited, her or myself. I felt so nervous with her on stage, I was hoping that she would not get stage fright, but she was wonderful, I felt so proud. My daughter Rita has won awards at school just before this spring break and she is turning into quite a little actress, she is working on jokes and impersonating TV stars, she wants to be an actress when she grows up, she does a great job at making her mother laugh.

All of my life I have wanted to be something special, not so much as “famous” or “rich” but to be someone remembered, and I have never seemed to find it. I now find that I have been memorable for some time now, I have a great family, I am a writer and an artist, I have great friends and my blogs get readers, like you, who come back from time to time so see what I am up to.

So if you get a chance, stop by my blogs, my Online Magazine and if you see me in person, try not to run me down with your car, I’ll buy you a cup of Java and we can talk a while, I got time.


Family Time


tweetmeme_style = ‘compact’; tweetmeme_source = ‘josepht1965’; tweetmeme_service = ‘bit.ly’;

Family time, the moments that pass through the day and are all too often forgotten, or trapped within photographs that keep a brief moment in time the same way forever, yet is never remembered for what it is. I have a wife and 5 children, whom I try to spend as much time with as possible. The children grow and grow and change, they become people different than what we know or expect. My wife, who tries to understand me, often looks at me with disbelief or even mild contempt when I offer resolutions to situations contrary from her own, yet I love here more and more each day, to which she sometime flinches when I tell her so.

My wife has admitted to me that her life is not what she wanted, and that she sometimes regrets not being more true to her original plans. The boys grow older and do the things that drive us both nuts, all too often than not. Our daughters are still very young, and very innocent, and very much like their mother; they adore puppies and kittens and listen to everyone, except us, unless they want something, which is often. I dearly enjoy being a husband and father, and I regret nothing, but I feel that I am at times the target of regret, though I am not at fault. Do not think that I am moaning about not “being respected” or that “I don’t feel loved”, I do, I am much loved, and I know this, I dearly praise every moment I have with them.

My siblings, whom often put me at odds with each other, whom often try to let me know, that even at 45, they know “what’s best” and push and pry into my life, but even with that, I smile and let the winds blow, until it is calm again. I have friends, some I see everyday day, and some that are friends in name only, but never in action. So everyone has these aspect in their life, I am no different than anyone else who wakes up every day and goes to sleep every night, but why am I writing this, read on.

I am the last of the optimists, I wake up every morning thinking it is going to be a brand new day with brand new adventures; Peter Pan has nothing on me. I read the same books I did when I was young, and yes, I do think I still believe in Santa Clause, and the tooth fairy, which I have personal and factual knowledge, has a back door to my wallet every time my kids loose a tooth. I feel that every day, we have a new chance to be something or someone special, I believe everyone deserves a chance, 1st, 2nd or 3rd.

The other day, I went out with my wife and daughters, I took my camera, and the photos I was able to take at just the right moments show me that I have been blessed with everything I ever wanted. So whether my wife is happy, or my children content or all hell has come up from below, I know why I am happy, and always will be. Family Time is all the time, and always will be. Most people feel that if they die tomorrow, they would leave great works undone, me, my great works are already here.

Think about all you have, and be content, because some have less than you, and you have more than you know.

DSCF3774

DSCF3775

DSCF3773

DSCF3767

DSCF3787

DSCF3806

DSCF3808

DSCF3805

DSCF3812

DSCF3813

Life has a way of being just a little more perfect everyday, if you take the time to notice.

Joseph Timmons

Artist, Author, Husband, Father, Grateful Human Being