When Life & Love Separate


One year and eight months ago, all I believed in, the fairytale romance, the idea of true love and happily ever after ceased to exist.

As a man, many would not think that we long not just to save the damsel in distress, but that she would in turn save us, from the Dragon named Loneliness,  from the oppression of rejection or even just ourselves. A hope that we could be happy being not The Lord of the manor but being the one to support and provide in unconditional love.

We have dreams too, many dreams that are all too often never to come true.

For me, that dream came true, for 13 years a bliss above bliss, but then it fell and crashed upon the ground, like Icarus, I flew too high towards the sun, the warmth and the light drew me, like a moth, but the wings came apart, and…. it was done.

I do not look for pitty, nor absolution,  I stopped looking for answer, stopped asking why. I just hope and pray and keep praying. I hope to somday greet my love at my door, telling me she wants to come home, with our children in tow, the bright eyed angels I was graced to love as a father does, and as I always will.

My tears never dry, but I am well with that, but I long to kiss her cheek, wish her pleasent dreams and to hold her as she sleeps, in my arms, protecting me from the monsters in the darkness.

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Today


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Today is not like any other day. I find myself wondering about things in my life things I have done and that I have not done.

Again this may seem like an old man’s ramblings,  but today is not like any other day. What brings me to this point , that is one of the questions I see. In my life I have done some great things, yet the things but I feel my greatest accomplishments are considered everyday tasks.

I would say my greatest achievement is being a husband to a wonderful woman and being a father to five children. Yet, the same achievement could also be one of my greatest failures.

My wife and I are separated, growing distant everyday. My oldest son ignores my existence, my second oldest in prison, mentally unstable, my third son, my step son doesn’t want anything to do with me, my two beautiful daughters fear me.

How can things that started so well come to this, that I do have an answer…

Vanity, I believed I was perfect and I knew it all, I did not honor my wife and did not respect her opinion,  I imposed my will and tried to mold the kids into a television sitcom family, where the troubles of the world are solved in 22 minutes,  30 if you count the comercials.

It seems I worked myself into that painted corner where the pain will not dry. Trapped in the color of my delusional perfection.

I hope tomorro can be a brighter color than cloudy grey.

Evermore


A Love Sonnet to my Wife

 

I look up

Into your eyes

As you lay there watching me

I see a young woman with a fire and thirst

A look of desire that holds me where I am

Wanting more

Giving all that you have

To me

 

Take my hand and walk with me

To the place in your heart

Deep and pounding

My want for you grows

Every day you wake next to me I know that I am thankful

But what of you?

Do I give you what you desire?

 

I tend to you

I attend to your garden

Placing what I have in hope that you desire to see it blossom

My love for you in all ways is what I have come to know and need

I trust in my feelings

I feel the need to be with you and deep inside you and your heart

 

I raise you up upon the altar of my affections

And I worship you and praise you

I am a fool for what I have done

I have committed myself to slavery, but Slave to you and your passions

Not the worst crime

The worst crime would be to waste you, to let you go unloved

 

The sweet waters of your pleasure enliven me

Fulfill me and feed me

I live off of you, in a symbiotic relation

Though sometimes you may feel like I am a parasite, draining you of life

That may be, but I cannot resist, you sustain me

 

I know why I love you……………because I do

And that is all I need to know

I may not be the best man, of the man of your dreams

But know this

You are my fantasy, my dream, my goddess

I see you in my mind, my life and in all things

The center of my soul, is you

 

I take you, and feel you beneath me, holding me

Sometimes it seems that you push me away, but only to let me fall deeper into you

To drink of you and live again

Your touch makes me gasp

Do I deserve you… do I have the right to be with you?

Yes, yes I say because you are mine

All that I have done before this was to ready me for you

 

Oh you, so young and innocent

My Lolita, my seductress

You have seduced me by not seducing

By not tricking or deceiving

There was no hunt

And to my prey I have fallen

I wish to devour one who is so sweet

 

You have live many lifetimes

Yet you are as a precious gem, ever shining

A flower, single in the valley, not to be plucked

But gently deflowered

I would gather up those petals, only to place them back

 

I wish to proclaim to the world my victory in having you, yet share you with the world

As my singular treasure

A testament to my manhood

Yet

I do not own you; I merely am graced by you

 

Your heart begins a second beat

One for me

One for another

Which is stronger?

I would accept the weaker of the two, if I must

I was meant to be with you

I don’t know if you were meant

To be

With

Me

 

But I willingly accept the terms of your love

My love has no terms

No expiration

But an eternity of forever wanting

To be

With you

To attend you

To serve you

To be your lord and master

To be chained to your feet

 

To look up and know paradise

And see heaven in your eyes

Paradise in your soul

To hold you in my arms

Evermore

In Exile


 

So, come June 1st

I’ll have been 4 months in Exile

With only myself to speak with

Yes, my son is present

But, due to his youth

And his ways

And his self indulgence

His company is that

Of a Stone Wall

 

I miss my wife and little ones

I miss the days of ignorance and oblivious righteousness

I miss the days of “maybe tomorrow”

I do not miss the human race, the race was lost so long ago

Yet a medal never won

 

I am here, in the wastelands

Of loneliness

I await my salvation

The whisper from sweet lips

Of my young bride

To beckon

 

Come Home Love

Life Changes


This is my first post to this blog in a very long time , I’m hoping to spend more time here unfortunately now I have the time to spare.

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There are many days in a person’s life that is celebrated , holidays and birthdays , events that means something not only to the individual but their family and their life. I will impart to you now the events that have changed and shaped my life to bring me back here. I will be leaving out some details because frankly, I don’t know who you are, you could be somebody who follows my posts a close friend or relative or just some stranger that was rambling the internet and fell upon my page. I ask that you limit your comments because this really isn’t for comment, this is me expressing myself.

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I have always felt that my favorite days were my wife’s birthday the day she was born to very important day for me because I love her and she’s everything to me other days that I thought were important what are the birthdays of my children the national holidays such as Christmas always a fun time of year and any day that brings the family together. However now I add to this January 28th, January 28th is now one of the most important days of my life.

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On January 28th of 2016 I came home from work a few days prior my wife had announced that there was a problem and she made an accusation that was unfounded of course but the fact that she made this accusation hurt me quite a bit now three days later on January 28th I came home and my whole life exploded my wife after trying to have a conversation with her became enraged things became physical I wound up having to leave the house. I left the house assisted by the local constabulary , I spent the night in jail but when I got out my wife had made it so I couldn’t come home. No again just to point out I did not touch my wife she agrees to that I did not lay a hand on her just the opposite I in my infinite stupidity thought that I could talk to my wife about this and I enraged her to the point where she physically struck me something that I never imagine what would happen.

So now my wife and I are separated, not divorced just separated. The first month I went the whole 4 weeks feeling completely sorry for myself eliciting sympathy from Facebook friends trying to cry out to the world that I was innocent I didn’t do anything wrong, in fact that became very good at being a crybaby cuz that’s all I could do cry, cry to myself, cry the world, wah wah wah,

Then I had an epiphany a realization a glorious moment where the hand of God came down and slapped me in the face. I started looking at things through what I believe to be my wife’s perspective the whole 13 years of our marriage our life our love raising children together facing life’s problems together and I realize I was wanting I did not tell her and show her what I should have said yes I told her I loved her and she was beautiful and she meant everything in the world to me all the romance but none of the substance. I never took time to show her that I respected her that I valued her opinion that what she did was important oh yes I said oh well you’re doing stuff with the house you’re taking care of the kids that’s a job too but after a while it was all just words that’s all I had was words no meaning no depth no reference nothing to support our relationship so in this accusation came she had no trust for me and I don’t blame her in her words I had everything I wanted and I f***** it up one thing at a time and that beautiful intelligent woman was 100% right.

So now this second month after that I found I contracted a bacterial infection very fatal one so I am taking a complete Pharmacy of drugs now and I am hooked up to an IV everyday of an antibiotic and Drug syrup that will hopefully keep me alive. I’ve had to have 3 bones removed from my right foot and now I’m looking at surgery to remove some bone fragments from my back that has become infected. Yet unlike I think some people that would look at this I’ve actually come to terms with my mortality I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may die but the thought of living whatever time I have left without my wife scares me incredibly without her without my children it’s cold and terrifying to think that I would not be able to look upon her and see Love In Her Eyes again. No this is not a sad ending so to speak but possibly a new beginning of the relationship the marriage everything we had will never be the same but hopefully she will give me another chance and It could be something better something that should have been something it could be.

As far as my illness goes the doctor says I will do very well as long as I follow orders. My wife has started talking to me again short Kurt and sometimes cold conversations but like I said I can’t blame her she trusted me she put her faith in me she put her life in my hands and even though I tried to make every promise every dream come true I failed and I betrayed her. You see because I have found that when you make a promise and that promise doesn’t come true not because you broke the promise Percy but because you promised beyond your means and you promised beyond your ability that promise becomes a lie, so imagine every promise a husband makes to his wife over the course of 13 years turning out to be a lie, they start to question the words I love you is that a lie, you’re beautiful is that a lie, I have faith in you is that a lie, good morning is that a lie, everything becomes a lie.

So now I said in the cold on a porch of my sister’s house my wife and my children are across town in our home I’ve been paying the bills and paying the rent putting money aside for her keeping to my promise and my vows of marriage I love her dearly I want her back I want her to take me back in this situation I realize that it is my fault and yes we’re both to blame for certain things goodness I have to take responsibility for everything I have to accept the fact that I am not perfect yes I thought I was perfect I thought I was the perfect husband I saw the perfect father I thought I was the perfect lover and I’ve been corrected buy a woman you could have just said goodbye so many times over the past 13 years it now boggles my mind. I look at her asking for a second chance when she’s given me at least 13 chances so far. One chance for every year at least a hundred for every lie.

Excuse the grammatical errors I’m dictating this into my phone I’m not writing it out I’m doing spell check the best I can but I’m dictating this because I feel that it’s important that this comes out true when you write things down you can edit them you can correct them you can phrase them differently you can make it sound very succinct. And this is an honest and open life post, no editing allowed.

My wife often says ” you always say the right thing ”  I used to think that that was a compliment, no, no it’s not… it means that I have got to a point where I know exactly what to say to quell someone’s fear I know exactly what to say to get somebody to believe me and trust me even though I may not deserve it at the time. I’m never going to use the word promise again that word has too much power and I can’t control it I’m not going to put things off anymore because I found that tomorrow is not promised.

Yes this illness could readily take my life any day I could be dead tomorrow, I can be dead this evening, it is that bad. However like I said it’s nothing compared to being without my wife my darling beautiful trusting wife who I took advantage of who I disrespected whom I never really loved the way I should have.

So in closing I would like to admit that I am a liar I am the worst possible liar there could ever be. I am a liar that doesn’t know he’s lying. I am a liar that believes his own lies. all because of a simple word with more power than it should have. The word promise is a very powerful word and so many people use it the wrong way including myself.

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