New Chapters, New Pain


Ever get a new book, and in the moment of wanting to get into a story that would or could be a great new advent,  you skip over the prelude or preface,  which contain the back story or reason for the story’s telling, often missing the whole point of things?

Life is much like that, each life skips over the beginning,  we often look at wanting the action, the romance,  the magical musical experience. But, as often, we find the tragedy, the suspenseful horror, the sad endings.

I leaped into my story, my life, looking for the love story and happy ending, the magical wild existence that all Disney movies promise,  only to find I am living in a Stephen King Trilogy, one where the hero leaves in disgrace after saving the world, it abandons him, hanging him to the proverbial cross of his own unwilling creation.

I unwillingly start a new chapter in my book of life, in it, the hero finds himself alone, disowned and abandoned by his kin, his Queen has ripped him from his throne and has expelled him from his one Castle and Kingdom. His children whom he loves have each had a devilishly evil part in his destruction.

The chapter starts with the hero wandering alone in a vast and shadowed wasteland, bent and broken, bruised and beaten,  bleeding inside, infected with sorrow and plagued by voices in his head, the echoes of the false accusations and the sound of his lover cursing his name, mocking him in unfounded anger when once that voice beckoned him to bed.

He drags himself through the dirt and waste, towards the dim light that glows just off the distant horizon,  bately escaping the blak shadow that is advancing upon his every shuddered step. He looks back, wondering how he missed the signs of treachery, how could he possibly deserved the betrayal,  the black blade still firmly lodged in his back, the wound no longer bleeds, and he has gotten used to the pain. His eyes, dried out and swollen from the constant stream of tears, his mouth, twisted from screaming inward, from behind a broken smile and it is dry from a lack of words to say, all his words were used to question and defend. His magic power has depleted to mere parlor tricks and his noble sword has become a cane for a broken man.

As our hero reaches the horizon, he finds the light was not the sun rising on the new day, but the fire and poisonous breath of the demon that has taunted his life. “I have come to finish you, you a once noble adversary, now I almost pity you,  one swat will finish you” the demon laughs, but the hero,  with his last bit of strength, his last spark of magic, stands tall, drawing up to meet the challenge,  draws his dullend blade and stands to the charge, definitely, “here I am, master of lies,  I’ve traveld all this way to find you, you thought I was running away, no, I was leading you away from the innocent”,  our hero smiles “come,  my blade is dull, so it will cause you more pain, the knife in my back is long and sharp, I will remove it and use it to take your hide to make new armor ” the hero steps forward, “come at me,  or are you still just a coward”

 

In the moment their eyes meet, the battle again begins, our hero, determined to continue protect and defend the lives and  honor of the very ones that left him to die alone.
Always the King

Always the Hero

Always the Fool

 

 

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Today


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Today is not like any other day. I find myself wondering about things in my life things I have done and that I have not done.

Again this may seem like an old man’s ramblings,  but today is not like any other day. What brings me to this point , that is one of the questions I see. In my life I have done some great things, yet the things but I feel my greatest accomplishments are considered everyday tasks.

I would say my greatest achievement is being a husband to a wonderful woman and being a father to five children. Yet, the same achievement could also be one of my greatest failures.

My wife and I are separated, growing distant everyday. My oldest son ignores my existence, my second oldest in prison, mentally unstable, my third son, my step son doesn’t want anything to do with me, my two beautiful daughters fear me.

How can things that started so well come to this, that I do have an answer…

Vanity, I believed I was perfect and I knew it all, I did not honor my wife and did not respect her opinion,  I imposed my will and tried to mold the kids into a television sitcom family, where the troubles of the world are solved in 22 minutes,  30 if you count the comercials.

It seems I worked myself into that painted corner where the pain will not dry. Trapped in the color of my delusional perfection.

I hope tomorro can be a brighter color than cloudy grey.

Oh, Joy


In all ways uncommon to my life

I try to find you, but you are absent in the wake of my days

Simple, is my mind

I think of you often, in those hours of the sleepless nights

I must so often endure in a cold bed

I seek warmth in you

You that is not present to me in my time of need

 

Dark and cloudy horizons loom

Drifting clouds of doubt and frustration linger

When the rain comes I am to melt in sadness and fear

Beneath a sun that is black in spirit

Oh my life

Why have you forsaken me to this, a non person?

A shell

Empty and void

 

Joy

Oh joy

When will you come to me?

I want to sing with you

To shout from the mountain and proclaim my happiness in knowing you

But my voice is shallow and muted

The lyrics of you elude me

Pestilence would be something to see

Deep within

 

Joy

Oh joy

Come to me

Bring me the peace of ages

Bring me my quiet slumber

Nay, not death I speak of

But the gentle sleep of angelic dreaming

The time when I can be happy

And in delight of my days

 

I cry sometimes

Sometimes I cry out

Time flies… too fast

I am so slow

Weighted down and burdened

By my own self loathing

Pity me, myself and I

The 3 of us are undone

By our own

Hand

Evermore


A Love Sonnet to my Wife

 

I look up

Into your eyes

As you lay there watching me

I see a young woman with a fire and thirst

A look of desire that holds me where I am

Wanting more

Giving all that you have

To me

 

Take my hand and walk with me

To the place in your heart

Deep and pounding

My want for you grows

Every day you wake next to me I know that I am thankful

But what of you?

Do I give you what you desire?

 

I tend to you

I attend to your garden

Placing what I have in hope that you desire to see it blossom

My love for you in all ways is what I have come to know and need

I trust in my feelings

I feel the need to be with you and deep inside you and your heart

 

I raise you up upon the altar of my affections

And I worship you and praise you

I am a fool for what I have done

I have committed myself to slavery, but Slave to you and your passions

Not the worst crime

The worst crime would be to waste you, to let you go unloved

 

The sweet waters of your pleasure enliven me

Fulfill me and feed me

I live off of you, in a symbiotic relation

Though sometimes you may feel like I am a parasite, draining you of life

That may be, but I cannot resist, you sustain me

 

I know why I love you……………because I do

And that is all I need to know

I may not be the best man, of the man of your dreams

But know this

You are my fantasy, my dream, my goddess

I see you in my mind, my life and in all things

The center of my soul, is you

 

I take you, and feel you beneath me, holding me

Sometimes it seems that you push me away, but only to let me fall deeper into you

To drink of you and live again

Your touch makes me gasp

Do I deserve you… do I have the right to be with you?

Yes, yes I say because you are mine

All that I have done before this was to ready me for you

 

Oh you, so young and innocent

My Lolita, my seductress

You have seduced me by not seducing

By not tricking or deceiving

There was no hunt

And to my prey I have fallen

I wish to devour one who is so sweet

 

You have live many lifetimes

Yet you are as a precious gem, ever shining

A flower, single in the valley, not to be plucked

But gently deflowered

I would gather up those petals, only to place them back

 

I wish to proclaim to the world my victory in having you, yet share you with the world

As my singular treasure

A testament to my manhood

Yet

I do not own you; I merely am graced by you

 

Your heart begins a second beat

One for me

One for another

Which is stronger?

I would accept the weaker of the two, if I must

I was meant to be with you

I don’t know if you were meant

To be

With

Me

 

But I willingly accept the terms of your love

My love has no terms

No expiration

But an eternity of forever wanting

To be

With you

To attend you

To serve you

To be your lord and master

To be chained to your feet

 

To look up and know paradise

And see heaven in your eyes

Paradise in your soul

To hold you in my arms

Evermore

Life Changes


This is my first post to this blog in a very long time , I’m hoping to spend more time here unfortunately now I have the time to spare.

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There are many days in a person’s life that is celebrated , holidays and birthdays , events that means something not only to the individual but their family and their life. I will impart to you now the events that have changed and shaped my life to bring me back here. I will be leaving out some details because frankly, I don’t know who you are, you could be somebody who follows my posts a close friend or relative or just some stranger that was rambling the internet and fell upon my page. I ask that you limit your comments because this really isn’t for comment, this is me expressing myself.

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I have always felt that my favorite days were my wife’s birthday the day she was born to very important day for me because I love her and she’s everything to me other days that I thought were important what are the birthdays of my children the national holidays such as Christmas always a fun time of year and any day that brings the family together. However now I add to this January 28th, January 28th is now one of the most important days of my life.

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On January 28th of 2016 I came home from work a few days prior my wife had announced that there was a problem and she made an accusation that was unfounded of course but the fact that she made this accusation hurt me quite a bit now three days later on January 28th I came home and my whole life exploded my wife after trying to have a conversation with her became enraged things became physical I wound up having to leave the house. I left the house assisted by the local constabulary , I spent the night in jail but when I got out my wife had made it so I couldn’t come home. No again just to point out I did not touch my wife she agrees to that I did not lay a hand on her just the opposite I in my infinite stupidity thought that I could talk to my wife about this and I enraged her to the point where she physically struck me something that I never imagine what would happen.

So now my wife and I are separated, not divorced just separated. The first month I went the whole 4 weeks feeling completely sorry for myself eliciting sympathy from Facebook friends trying to cry out to the world that I was innocent I didn’t do anything wrong, in fact that became very good at being a crybaby cuz that’s all I could do cry, cry to myself, cry the world, wah wah wah,

Then I had an epiphany a realization a glorious moment where the hand of God came down and slapped me in the face. I started looking at things through what I believe to be my wife’s perspective the whole 13 years of our marriage our life our love raising children together facing life’s problems together and I realize I was wanting I did not tell her and show her what I should have said yes I told her I loved her and she was beautiful and she meant everything in the world to me all the romance but none of the substance. I never took time to show her that I respected her that I valued her opinion that what she did was important oh yes I said oh well you’re doing stuff with the house you’re taking care of the kids that’s a job too but after a while it was all just words that’s all I had was words no meaning no depth no reference nothing to support our relationship so in this accusation came she had no trust for me and I don’t blame her in her words I had everything I wanted and I f***** it up one thing at a time and that beautiful intelligent woman was 100% right.

So now this second month after that I found I contracted a bacterial infection very fatal one so I am taking a complete Pharmacy of drugs now and I am hooked up to an IV everyday of an antibiotic and Drug syrup that will hopefully keep me alive. I’ve had to have 3 bones removed from my right foot and now I’m looking at surgery to remove some bone fragments from my back that has become infected. Yet unlike I think some people that would look at this I’ve actually come to terms with my mortality I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may die but the thought of living whatever time I have left without my wife scares me incredibly without her without my children it’s cold and terrifying to think that I would not be able to look upon her and see Love In Her Eyes again. No this is not a sad ending so to speak but possibly a new beginning of the relationship the marriage everything we had will never be the same but hopefully she will give me another chance and It could be something better something that should have been something it could be.

As far as my illness goes the doctor says I will do very well as long as I follow orders. My wife has started talking to me again short Kurt and sometimes cold conversations but like I said I can’t blame her she trusted me she put her faith in me she put her life in my hands and even though I tried to make every promise every dream come true I failed and I betrayed her. You see because I have found that when you make a promise and that promise doesn’t come true not because you broke the promise Percy but because you promised beyond your means and you promised beyond your ability that promise becomes a lie, so imagine every promise a husband makes to his wife over the course of 13 years turning out to be a lie, they start to question the words I love you is that a lie, you’re beautiful is that a lie, I have faith in you is that a lie, good morning is that a lie, everything becomes a lie.

So now I said in the cold on a porch of my sister’s house my wife and my children are across town in our home I’ve been paying the bills and paying the rent putting money aside for her keeping to my promise and my vows of marriage I love her dearly I want her back I want her to take me back in this situation I realize that it is my fault and yes we’re both to blame for certain things goodness I have to take responsibility for everything I have to accept the fact that I am not perfect yes I thought I was perfect I thought I was the perfect husband I saw the perfect father I thought I was the perfect lover and I’ve been corrected buy a woman you could have just said goodbye so many times over the past 13 years it now boggles my mind. I look at her asking for a second chance when she’s given me at least 13 chances so far. One chance for every year at least a hundred for every lie.

Excuse the grammatical errors I’m dictating this into my phone I’m not writing it out I’m doing spell check the best I can but I’m dictating this because I feel that it’s important that this comes out true when you write things down you can edit them you can correct them you can phrase them differently you can make it sound very succinct. And this is an honest and open life post, no editing allowed.

My wife often says ” you always say the right thing ”  I used to think that that was a compliment, no, no it’s not… it means that I have got to a point where I know exactly what to say to quell someone’s fear I know exactly what to say to get somebody to believe me and trust me even though I may not deserve it at the time. I’m never going to use the word promise again that word has too much power and I can’t control it I’m not going to put things off anymore because I found that tomorrow is not promised.

Yes this illness could readily take my life any day I could be dead tomorrow, I can be dead this evening, it is that bad. However like I said it’s nothing compared to being without my wife my darling beautiful trusting wife who I took advantage of who I disrespected whom I never really loved the way I should have.

So in closing I would like to admit that I am a liar I am the worst possible liar there could ever be. I am a liar that doesn’t know he’s lying. I am a liar that believes his own lies. all because of a simple word with more power than it should have. The word promise is a very powerful word and so many people use it the wrong way including myself.

Posted from WordPress for Android.. yeah, I’m high tech like that.

Ralph Steadman Gets Philthy


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Illustrator and Cartoonist Ralph Steadman brings his thought provoking talents to the Vinyl Medium in an amazing partnership with Philthy Phonographic Records.

Article by Joseph Timmons, IndiePulse Music Magazine

Ralph Steadman is renowned for his political and social caricatures, cartoons and picture books. Awards that he has won for his work include the Francis Williams Book Illustration Award for Alice in Wonderland, the American Society of Illustrators’ Certificate of Merit, the W H Smith Illustration Award for I Leonardo, the Dutch Silver Paintbrush Award for Inspector Mouse, the Italian Critica in Erba Prize for That’s My Dad, the BBC Design Award for postage stamps, the Black Humor Award in France, and several Designers and Art Directors Association Awards.

 

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Ralph Steadman was voted Illustrator of the Year by the American Institute of Graphic Arts in 1979. Steadman had a long partnership with the American journalist Hunter S. Thompson, drawing pictures for several of his articles and books. He accompanied Thompson to the Kentucky Derby for an article for the magazine Scanlan’s, to the Honolulu Marathon for the magazine Running, and illustrated both Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail ’72. Much of Steadman’s artwork revolves around Raoul Duke-style caricatures of Thompson: bucket hats, cigarette holder and aviator sunglasses. In his time, he has produced art with an imagery that moves from the fantastic to the horrific, often seeing the dark and the evil just lurking underneath the skin, exposing truth in that which others often ignore or fail to see out of ignorance or apathy.

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Now, which for some would be the twilight of their lives, it would be that Ralph Steadman would take his words and prose to music, which he has found a partner that would not only deliver music that is , like Ralph Steadman’s art, haunting and phantasmal, visually stunning and mirrors the genius and historical artist legacy.

 

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Philthy Phonographic Records is a “DIY” independent record label that is in whole a “one man operation run by “Philthy Phil” and he has created some very impressive, short run / limited quantity albums that are much sought after by fans of the label and the record collecting pubic as well. Recently, Sly Vinyl and The Vinyl Factory, as well as other well-known Record Collector and Audiophile enthusiast sites have been praising this single for it’s wonderful and talented composure, but the imagery in the Vinyl itself, each single is hand poured and hand pressed by the labels founder himself, each one becoming a work of art, ominously becoming and forming audio versions of the Ralph Steadman’s visual art.

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“Philthy Phil” said “Gotta Groove Records invited me to come in and personally press some records. I got to work with Heather Gmucs by my side. She showed me some of the stuff they were doing with their custom vinyl pressing and I asked if I could try making a few of my own. She said yes, and we collaborated on what types of interesting things we could come up with. I learned a lot from her and she mentioned I had tried a few things she hadn’t thought of before. Approximately 20 records were done.”

“My brother first began collecting Ralph Steadman’s work when he was in high school, almost 20 years ago, and over that period of time he was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to meet him on a several occasions. They somehow were able to keep touch over the years and when I began Philthy Phonographic Records in 2012, the two of us thought how great it would be to have the opportunity to collaborate with Ralph on such a project. We both knew that he had participated and recorded various musical projects over the years, and sang and played the guitar and ukulele on occasion as well. So we decided to approach him about putting together and EP. An inquiry was sent and a response was not received for some time, and then a song just happened to arrive in my brother’s inbox with the note, “…sending you one of my songs, FYI…” At first it was just one song, but through email and further discussion, Ralph sent a few additional songs as a possible side B. The songs were records in 1984 to generate an interest in the musical based on the publication of the award winning book “I, Leonardo.”

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“Ralph was very open-minded about through the entire project and basically gave us the freedom to run with it however we saw fit. He was enthused throughout the process and could not have been more pleased with the final result. As for the two of us, we were beyond thrilled to be able to collaborate with such an influential artist.”

In fact this was a very limited run, between the times the project started and not, most of the records created have been sold. Some of the most unique copies produced were issues that had torn up shreds of artwork by Ralph Steadman literally mixed into the vinyl, some are unplayable due to this, but as far as for the rabid collector in all of us, this is a treasure. The shredded art editions have an original silkscreen and are signed by Steadman himself.

The remaining was pressed in association with Wax Merge, which also works with Gotta Groove. Wax Mage Records specialize in hand poured, hand pressed, one of a kind records.

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The single, Ralph SteadmanThe Man Who Woke up in the Dark / Striped Paint was limited To 200 Red Opaque, 75 Red w/Black Splatter, And 24 Art Variants on 7″ Vinyl, so with most of that already sold, this is a very hot single to have.

At IndiePulse Music, we love reporting stories like this, the big record label industry as a whole commercially is faltering, unable to really produce great music as it once did and has little or no interest in the artists out there that have true talent, often choosing what can be quickly packaged for sale and inspire the teeny boppers and boy band lovers. But from the muck of the self-centered music biz has come the indie label, small run, mostly home based labels run by people that want music to truly live again and support the musicians that really live and breathe their stories and songs, the music they create is drenched with their blood and sweat and is a work of love for their talents.

I encourage you to visit Philthy Phonographic Records and see for yourself the records they have produced and get your copy of Ralph Steadman’s single, I am sure you will enjoy the master’s work!

 

 

Links:

Philthy Phonographic Records

Philthy Phonographic on Facebook

Sly Vinyl Article

The Vinyl Factory Article

Article on Green Label